


say yes ('cause I need to know)

by charmandu



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: A subtle stuck-in-the-cabin-au-during-a-snow-storm au, Cabin Fic, First Kiss, I tried to fluff but I failed, M/M, Songwriter!Jaehwan, The recorder was left open
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 05:41:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17258597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/charmandu/pseuds/charmandu
Summary: Jaehwan needs an inspiration. Minhyun comes.





	say yes ('cause I need to know)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, as you may have read above, this fic is a part of the MinHwan Webzine called When Dusk Arrives. The first volume's theme is "Firsts" 
> 
> This plot has been in my mind for a while now and I'm happy I had the energy to write this.

It’s been a month since Kim Jaehwan was able to write anything. The deadline is creeping in a little too fast for his taste, just like how there was already snow in Seoul this morning. He feels bitter about this so he tweets a rant just before he stands up to get ready for his day.

“It’s too early for winter :( Or maybe I don’t want to let go of autumn just yet.” The tweet did not gain much traction, earning a mere six likes. It’s still dark and more than three-quarters of Seoul is probably still sleeping.

His recent Google search history is telling enough on how he tried to get past this ‘curse.’ He started off searching “how to get over a slump,” then he moved on to “how to be creative when uninspired,” and finally (and probably the lowest he’s reached), “how to write a song.” All methods suggested by the online community barely worked and he’s at his wit’s end in trying to move on.

“Maybe you should go somewhere peaceful where you can be alone with your thoughts?” His mom said one time while he was spacing out on the sofa.

“What?” Jaehwan was pulled back to reality in an instant, tightening his grip on the guitar lying on his lap. He felt like losing a train of thought but then again, his brain is just blank.

“Do you want to use the cabin? I could ask Jihoon’s mom. A change of environment could be helpful.” A plate of sliced apples was placed on the table in front of him and his mother looked at him and waited for a reply.

Jaehwan hummed for a while before agreeing, hands reaching his nape. “Yeah, maybe I need that. It’s been a while.”

It’s been a while since he went away from Seoul where all of his achievements and failures were listed. The city has him memorized just like how he knows the streets and the alleys like it’s painted at the back of his hand.

He probably needed to get away, not that he’s suffocating or anything but he could definitely use a break.

The weekend has come and he goes out to the kitchen with his mom walking around. She’s readied everything the previous night so he helps her by putting everything in the car, careful not to stack everything altogether to avoid unnecessary spills. His mother locks the gate while he starts the engine. Dawn is already breaking, painting the skies a beautiful gradient of dark to light blue. He adjusts the mirrors to his sight since eomma was the last one to use the car.

The car door opens and he sees his mom carrying two Thermos tumblers, one with coffee and one with tea.

Ever since Jaehwan showed talent in music, his mom has been supportive of him. She’s worked hard to give him his first guitar. The pride is apparent in her eyes every time she hears him sings and every time she hears his songs on the radio because Jaehwan has been very clear to her that every song he’ll ever make contains a part of her.

“Mom, you can sleep first and rest. I’ll wake you up when we get there.” His mom smiles at him after taking a sip from what Jaehwan assumes as the tea. He’ll start on his coffee a little later.

The heater of the car is set so he removes his gloves. It will be a long drive but he has his coffee and his long-drive playlist titled I Wheel Always Love You, starting with an English song from Sam Smith titled Midnight Train.

They enter the highway in less than an hour and Jaehwan narrates a few movie plots to get his mind to work and avoid falling asleep while driving, especially since highways are hypnotizing.

He glances at his mother whose head is resting on the right side, seatbelt supporting her weight. She’s fast asleep and Jaehwan smiles at the feeling of his mother’s trust on his driving skills. She stayed up late to finish cooking all of his favorites the previous night and Jaehwan is just grateful to be born to such a thoughtful mother.

Even this trip is his mother’s idea. Jaehwan is not sure this will work but he’s desperate and it’s worth a try. After all, it’s been tested that his mother knows best.

Jaehwan has thought of a few possible reasons for his slump and yet he is left with no answers. No matter how hard he tries to trace it to something, he goes back to the vague idea of losing inspiration. Actually, he's just trying to find something or someone to blame. He wasn’t really keen about it at first, thinking it was normal for any artist to face a creative block but he has a deadline and all things considered, his songwriting career could be over if he doesn’t deliver.

It makes him feel uneasy as he wants to solve this, this slump. He’s experienced it once and that’s probably enough for this lifetime. This definitely was life-changing in a very annoying way. So, never again.

At one point, he thought it was because of the game he can’t seem to finish which forced him to watch a walkthrough on YouTube. This made him angrier at himself a little more, losing a pinch of confidence he has left in himself. However, he finished the game in three, maybe two weeks ago but the situation did not change--he’s still in a slump.

He also tried to blame it on his diet. Just before saying yes to his agency regarding the song request, he started to control his food intake. Of course, with the help of his mom who’s cooking leafy stuff for him. Jaehwan even developed a hunch that his songwriting prowess actually comes from the junk food he consumes. If he was not able to write anything this coming weekend, he’s going back to two cans of Pringles a day just to catch up to all the lost times his body could’ve taken in junk food. His mom would probably be mad and give him a long litany of “Kim Jaehwan, you are not getting any younger. Stop. Eating. Junk food!” while she throws lettuce at him that she’s supposed to feed their rabbit named Mario.

Three hours into driving in the highway and he’s given up going about why he’s so uncreative. “What if I’m just really uninspired?” He mumbles, before lighting up the signal to signify that he’s changing lanes.

“You’ll get your inspiration back this weekend Jjaeni,” his mom says.

He glances at his mom again. Her eyes are on the road but she’s still leaning towards the car door. She probably just woke up.

“Do you think so, mom?” Hesitation fills Jaehwan’s voice. He sounded like he needs affirmation from the woman who’s been there for him since the start.

“I know so.”

Jaehwan carefully turns the car to the right and the roads are going uphill. In a bout of panic, he checks the GPS if they’re going to the right direction and it turns out that it is so he drives more calmly this time.

The road is rocky and the snow on the ground is starting to get thicker. Jaehwan realizes that the snow has stopped falling in this area, though he’s still thankful he changed the tires yesterday because the highway was more dangerous because of the wetness brought by the snow.

Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape is playing when he sees the wooden gate.

“Oh, we’re here,” his mom says as she straightens up and stretches her arms, before drinking once more from her tumbler. She peeks behind the car to check if the food she prepared had moved because of the bumps along the way. “Ah, Jihoon is a really sweet child for letting you use the cabin.”

Jaehwan hums in agreement. The last time he saw Jihoon was two months ago when he and his mom watched him as the lead actor in a musical. It was his first big break after performing steadily in small productions. The Great Unknown’s first run was held in the National Theater of Seoul so it was really a big deal, especially to their neighborhood.

“How did you ask him?” Jaehwan slows the car down as they near the gate.

“I posted on Facebook, of course!”

Jaehwan’s eyes widen, stopping in the middle of putting his gloves back on. “Eomma, I thought you were going to ask his mom! What did you post?”

His mom is now giggling, raising her hoodie to cover her head from the cold for when she goes down from the car. “Well, I posted that my poor son has lost his ability to write music and then I asked for suggestions for a quick getaway. Jihoon messaged me and offered the cabin but I’m a little sad he did not even like my post.”

Jaehwan looks annoyed but he’s still looking at her lovingly. “Oh, mom.”

Both of them go down to open the gate, his mom exclaiming a few rants about how it’s so cold up in this area.

The house sits almost on the edge of a small hill, complete with an open garage that could double as a tennis court. He parks their grey Tucson just beside the main door so they could unpack easily and Jaehwan prioritizes bringing down his guitar, followed by his luggage, one briefcase that doubles as his laptop bag. His mother, on the other hand, brought down two bags of homemade food.

Jaehwan remembers the little argument they had when they were deciding which dishes to pack. He insisted on bringing instant noodles so as not to bother her mom anymore but of course, his mother insisted that she wants to cook for him. His mother ended up packing small servings of Jaehwan’s favorites. There are no 7-11s nearby so she’s just playing it safe.

When all of the things were brought down, his mom lays her palm in front of him and asks for the car keys.

Jaehwan looks confused. “You’re not going in?”

“Jjaeni,” her hand fixes his collar sitting underneath the padded jacket he wore when he brought his luggage down. “That sounded like I sent you to nursery school again. You can do it this time,” she teases. “You need this. Go gain your inspiration back.”

Jaehwan sighs and gives her the car keys. Her words sounded sweet but it also seemed to him as though his mom has always wanted to get him out of her hair. He smiles at the thought. You can’t get rid of me, mom.

The snow starts falling once more. Small dots of white descend from the skies. Jaehwan realizes that his mother should leave already so that she could reach Seoul before dark. He knows his mother drives slowly, and her trip back to the city would probably take longer if she’s the one driving. “Thanks, mom,” he tells her. “Please text me when you get home.”

His mom smiles kindly at him. There’s meaning in her eyes, somehow, that makes Jaehwan furrow his eyebrows.

“Jjaeni, we agreed to turn off your phone,” her mother reminds. “You know, for more peace. I’ll fetch you tomorrow, just wait in the afternoon. I’ll even help you clean up.”

“Okay,” Jaehwan manages to reply while he’s stuck at the thought of not touching his phone until then. Earlier this morning, his mother lent her an old voice recorder for when he hums out something that could be a good part of a song. It was where he recorded his first love song when he was in junior high school.

Jaehwan watches the car leave the premises of the estate, his hand continuously waving until it’s gone from his sight. He closes the gates, leaving it unlocked. He wonders why the snow falls so slowly. Slow, like the tears of someone feeling heartbreak for the first time.

The living room of the cabin is clean. Jihoon might have had it cleaned before his arrival.

Photos of the same view in different seasons hang above its fireplace and Jaehwan finds it beautiful—how one thing could stay the same despite the passage of time, despite the changes in instances.

The wooden cabin, despite its isolation in the middle of nowhere, feels safe and peaceful. He wouldn’t go as far as calling it home, but he thinks a little bit of it could be here. The suede sofa on the living room positioned in a U form makes him think that the house shelters a big family, making him feel warm; and perhaps a little lonely, due to the fact that he’s here, alone.

It’s okay, though, since he’s here for a reason. The deadline.

He passes by the kitchen when he finds two bedrooms. Looking into each of the rooms, he chooses to settle his things down in the bigger one for convenience, since it has its own bathroom.

The cozy dimness of the room makes Jaehwan feel sleepy. He decides not to open the window and turns the bedside lamp on instead. He takes off his coat, laying it on the foot of the bed. Testing the bed’s softness, he falls face first on the mattress. Before he runs out of breath, he tilts his head to the left to avoid the yellow light and sees his guitar resting on the corner of the room one last time before he falls asleep.

~

Jaehwan opens his eyes four hours after his supposed ‘nap.’ The long drive and the cold weather just made perfect sense for his rest. He thinks he’s dreamt of his ‘inspiration’ but it’s too hard to remember.

Knowing his body would be aching from being in the same position while sleeping, he carefully lifts his left arm to find his phone, but then he realizes he’s abandoned his phone somewhere in his bag. So instead, he checks the watch on his wrist only to find that it’s almost noon.

His eyes widen and his body jerks in disbelief, forgetting his body’s current posture. He pushes himself up, groaning on the roll of pain down his body. His periphery catches a figure beside the bed and he swears he could’ve been more prepared for combat if it weren’t for his stupid soreness.

He lets out an unflattering scream. “H-hyung!”

A man, or Minhyun rather, sits on a chair Jaehwan remembers seeing from the kitchen. He is holding a book he might’ve been reading while Jaehwan was sleeping.

It was awkward, how Jaehwan was still on all fours, but somehow despite his precarious position, there is an odd feeling of his chest suddenly feeling full at the sight of the tall man sitting on the chair, as if he had waited patiently for Jaehwan to wake up. Jaehwan wonders briefly if this was the dream he was trying to remember; the yellow light from the lamp makes Minhyun look so warm and soft, like he was home.

There is concern in Minhyun’s eyes as well, perhaps at Jaehwan being entirely too shocked about his sudden presence. He looks like he’s ready to leave if he was unwanted, and Jaehwan almost fails in stopping himself from saying that he could stay.

It’s been a long while since Jaehwan last saw him but he still looks the same. No, not really the same—it might have been just Jaehwan who feels like it—but Minhyun definitely changed. Time was kind to him as he looked more mature, like he was much more ready for life’s ups and downs. His eyebags are more prominent now, but they somehow fit him, if that were even possible. He is thinner and his cheekbones are showing. He might have grown taller too, though Jaehwan couldn’t really be sure.

And Jaehwan still feels the same for him. It’s unfair.

Jaehwan does his best to gain back his composure. “Are you real?” Jaehwan asks as he sits on the edge of the bed, his words soft and careful, like he was asking Casper instead of close friend he’s known since well college—at least, until they fell apart.

Minhyun smiles at him, and there is that warmth in his eyes that makes Jaehwan forget to breathe. “Of course, I’m real, Jaehwannie,” Minhyun says.

Jaehwan knows he has to respond before he blurts out how soothing—and yet painful at the same time—it is to hear him say his name again after so long. “I mean, are you really here? I could still be dreaming, you know.”

Getting up from his seat, Minhyun leans towards Jaehwan and pinches his cheek. His other hand is still holding his book. “Very real,” he says, then winks.

Winks.

Jaehwan feels his heart stop.

Minhyun hums, and Jaehwan remembers how his voice sounded so… angelic. “I waited for you to wake up because I wanted to ask if you would mind if I stayed,” Minhyun continues. “Jihoon might have mixed the schedule and uh, forgot that someone will already be using the cabin today.”

The mention of his friend’s name brings him back to the first time he and Minhyun met.

It was during their welcome camp in the university. Freshmen like them were required to come to build rapport with their seniors, get drunk and probably develop some sort of camaraderie. It was their first night and every group was asked to prepare a dance and a song performance. It was a little childish when you first think about it, but then you realize, these grown men and women have probably already passed the time when they get all shy in front of everyone. At this age, it seems like everyone just wanted to be out there.

The senior boys danced to Mah Boy and four senior girls sang Tell Me Your Wish. The third years performed after. After the dance performance of the second years, a tall sophomore went to the center and asked for a volunteer guitarist. Jaehwan was looking at him and their gazes locked; the sophomore smiled, smiled at him, smiled at Jaehwan.

 Jihoon’s hand flew up and pointed Jaehwan to volunteer him, too. Jaehwan stood up anyway, but not before smacking Jihoon quite hard, and got his guitar from its stand near the stage.

Both of them sat on monoblocs, angled a little towards each other. Both of them were wearing cardigans but the sophomore wore it better with his height and his almost-too-perfect face. Minhyun said “Marry Me” and Jaehwan might have taken two whole seconds to process that he was asking him for the song Marry Me. It’s not like he’s the type to be proposed to, anyway.

He sampled the song in its original key and blushed a little after their eye contact.

And maybe, he’s been blushing a lot since then.

Six years after their first meeting and he is an even bigger blushing mess. It’s been a while since the feeling resurfaced and Jaehwan’s flight or fight response is already propped up, ready to bury these feelings once more.

His younger self is back and hoping; and hope is a dangerous thing.

Before giving a response to Minhyun, Jaehwan quickly thinks about their situation and the possibility of writing a song in the midst of having Minhyun in the same space. It’s not that it would be noisy in the cabin, disturbing his ‘peace,’ that bothers him; it’s the mere fact that they’re staying under one roof. It makes him feel a lot of things he shouldn’t be feeling. Revisiting his in-love self is one thing, rediscovery of feelings is another and both of these situations would admittedly be hard for him.

“It’s okay, hyung. You can stay,” Jaehwan says anyway. He realizes he could probably ask for some alone time from him since he bets it is what Minhyun came here for as well. He would do his best to be civil and push away the feelings that are getting in the way of finding his inspiration back.

Minhyun makes a small sound of relief. “I was quite scared you’d send me out,” he explains. “The snow fall has been bad when I arrived so the amount of snow on the road might be unsafe for me to drive back.”

“Don’t make it seem like I don’t like that you’re here, hyung,” Jaehwan whines. “I’m not bratty.” He regrets the words as soon as they are out, and he clears his throat lightly before meeting the taller man’s gaze. “So…what brings you here?”

Minhyun closes his book and puts it down beside the lamp as he sits again. “It’s a little embarrassing, actually. I was sent by my company to reflect on my actions.”

“Oh no,” Jaehwan frowns. “Was it that bad?”

Minhyun hums and pauses. Jaehwan notices the little pout he made. “I may have helped my colleagues too much and my boss wasn’t happy about it,” Minhyun shrugs. “He said I spend too much time in the office that I get bored when I finish my tasks.”

Jaehwan sees the glint in his eyes. Minhyun still hasn’t realized the gravity of his actions in the office but Jaehwan wishes that the older man figures it out during their stay in the cabin. The songwriter laughs it off to lighten the mood.

“Ya, did you just laugh at your hyung?” Minhyun teases, so Jaehwan quickly covers his mouth. “How about you Jaehwannie? What’s your reason for going here alone?”

Wiggling his toes with his white socks on, Jaehwan leans backwards and looks up before looking at Minhyun. “Uhh, it’s a songwriting thing,” he sighs. “Mom suggested a change of environment to encourage the flow of inspiration. Basically, I’m on a slump.”

His confession isn’t supposed to feel bitter, but the fact that he knew Minhyun didn’t pursue being an artist like what everyone expected in university made him a little cautious.

“You lost inspiration?” Minhyun asks.

“Somehow, yeah,” Jaehwan says carefully.

Minhyun smirks. “Good thing I came, then.” Jaehwan chokes on air, but if Minhyun made any indication that he heard, he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he speaks again. “It’s already noon. Do you want to eat? I brought food.”

“I brought food too,” Jaehwan shares. “Mom insisted. You know her.” The smile on Minhyun’s face makes him remember all of the times Minhyun visited their house to study together, sometimes with Jihoon, sometimes with their senior Jisung. His mom loved every moment of it, doting on each of them like she was suddenly a mother of four.

Both of them get up to head to the kitchen. “Does she still sing when she cooks?” Minhyun asks.

“Every time that I am home, yes. Which means every day.” Jaehwan laughs, looking back at his hyung to see his reaction. Minhyun is smiling.

“You still live with auntie?”

“Yes,” Jaehwan answers simply. “And since she was the one who suggested this trip, I am starting to think that she wants me out of the house. Maybe it’s also why she’s telling me to go date and get married already.”

Minhyun opening the refrigerator prohibits Jaehwan from seeing his reaction when ‘dating’ and ‘marriage’ were brought up. Jaehwan was merely trying to fish for information, especially since he hasn’t heard from him after his graduation. Minhyun is not really an avid fan of SNS.

The taller man sets the box of fried soy garlic fried chicken on the table together with the side dishes Jaehwan’s mother cooked. They sit in silence; not really awkward or anything, just quiet. It was Minhyun who speaks first.

“Did you drive here?” He asks. “I didn’t see a car.”

“Yes, but mom drove back to Seoul. She says she doesn’t want to intrude my zen.”

Lunch was a little shy until Minhyun volunteers to wash the dishes. Jaehwan nears the window and sits on the thin comforter covering the wooden bench.

“The snowfall looks so peaceful,” Jaehwan murmurs as he looks out the glass.

Minhyun dries his hand with the towel hanging from the refrigerator door and he sits beside Jaehwan. Resting his chin on his palm, Minhyun hums and seems to be enjoying the scenery before him.

Jaehwan speaks again in an attempt to break the ice. “It’s beautiful but the aura could be scary, don’t you think?”

Minhyun’s eyes shifts to look at Jaehwan. “I do.”

Jaehwan blushes. With the way Minhyun is looking at him, he’d be melting any moment now. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Look at you like what?” Minhyun counters.

Like how I looked at you before. Jaehwan says in his head. Saying so out loud would acknowledge his feelings, and it shouldn’t be that way. It can’t. It would be easier for him if he remains in whatever place he’s currently standing at. That’s okay. Besides, he has lived that way for a while now. Living the rest of his life like that seemed bearable enough.

Jaehwan ignores the question altogether and sighs as he stares out the window once more. The snow makes him miss autumn, the warmth in the morning and the cold at night. Now he feels cold the whole day so his insides take joy in the warmth of Minhyun’s attention to him.

Jaehwan finally offers him a sad smile in response but doesn’t say anything else.

Minhyun straightens up and looks at the living room. He gets Jaehwan’s beanie hanging on the coat rack and puts it on him.

“Wait,” Minhyun says as he scrambles to the bedroom and comes back with a bonnet on his head. He takes Jaehwan hand, leading him to the door.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to ask me to make a snowman with you, Anna,” Jaehwan laughs.

Minhyun joins him, the sound music to his ears once more. He shakes his head and looks intently on Jaehwan’s eyes. “We’ll make snow angels ‘cause that’s what we are.”

~

The afternoon went by slowly, snow angels almost disappearing. Jaehwan had his time to write a few lines for his song. A few music sheets are splayed out, some are even crumpled. Minhyun, on the other hand, stayed in the kitchen to read his book. The leftovers for lunch became late dinner.

They talked about work, about the artists Jaehwan writes for, about his songwriting process, and if he still has that sticker of a mandu stuck on his guitar. Jaehwan’s feelings started to warm up—to this cabin, to this setup. Everything felt a little too much to handle at the moment, and his heart is delicate. This must be how it feels like to go home after an exhausting day and have someone you love listen to all of your ramblings.

Jaehwan could dream but should he?

Minhyun shared a few things too: he told Jaehwan the times he was given a chance to write jingles for two brands, one for a laundry detergent for babies and one for a toothpaste brand--how the opportunity brings back the love he had for music, but takes it away soon as he’s settling in. He shared that he still worked in the same advertising agency where he is a creative director and that he was promoted within one year of stay but now, he’s serving his reflection time for overworking.

“I guess I have too much time,” Minhyun concludes. Typical Minhyun.

Jaehwan is so close to saying that they could hang out more if too much free time is his problem. His mom wants him out of the house anyway.

He doesn’t say anything.

Later, Minhyun volunteers to shower first and Jaehwan, as stupid as he is, offers the bathroom in his room.

“It has a big tub. It would be perfect for relaxing your muscles from the long drive,” he says. Smooth.

The supposed internal pat on his back becomes a shove for three reasons: One, he would see Minhyun take his clothes off; two, he would see Minhyun dress up; and three, the steam in the bathroom would probably flow out and make Jaehwan think of inappropriate things. The last one would probably haunt him and the rest of his breathing life. Knowing how Minhyun smells is a fatal piece of information.

Of course, what’s bound to happen will happen.

Consider the checklist done and Jaehwan is a land mine waiting to be stepped on.

Technically, he didn’t see Minhyun take off his clothes because he was laying on the bed, strumming random chords on his guitar pretending that he’s thinking about a Grammy-winning intro for his next song. He peeks, however, (curiosity winning over his logical senses), and sees Minhyun’s back when he was arranging his toiletries on the table beside the bathroom door. Jaehwan saw the muscles flexing as Minhyun’s arms move in defined measures. He feels guilt and a barrage of what am I doing echoes in his mind so he closes his eyes to stop himself from staring (and probably drooling).

Minhyun announces that he’s going in.

When the taller man leaves for the bathroom, the silence and the brightness of the bedroom comforts Jaehwan like they’ve fallen witness to his recent crisis. His notebook is splayed on the bed, a few squiggles of rhyming words surround the border. His voice recorder is on and continuously recording what could probably be recorded as the most he had ever gay-panicked.

Jaehwan was successful in writing one verse and the draft bridge. He wrote the second verse from this afternoon at the same time when he conjured a vague idea for the chorus. It was about meeting your first love, and the hard time you have to go through when it’s time to let go. First love is deadly, he thinks. He’s plucking the transition to the second verse when Minhyun comes out of the bathroom half-clothed, showing the full glory that is his six-pack abs while he is casually drying his hair with another towel.

Jaehwan’s throat feels dry and suddenly his skin is sensitive to the cold.

Jaehwan waits for a few more minutes before speaking. “H-hyung,” Jaehwan swears he’s going to hiccup after this. “Would you like to just sleep here?” Jaehwan gulps. “Since the bed is too big anyway.” His voice didn’t sound like he’s freaking out but he is, very much so. The courage that did this to him escaped faster than the speed of light and now he’s left with his awkward self once more.

Minhyun smiles at him, eyes forming crescents. He looks glad that Jaehwan offered but Minhyun could be rejecting him anytime. So Jaehwan readied himself for it. “Thank you, Jaehwannie,” he says. “I was actually scared to sleep alone in the other room.”

Was that a yes?

Jaehwan’s cheeks bloom with roses. Minhyun admitting that he’s scared about something was so genuine and he couldn’t find the energy to control himself from pushing back the feelings he’s long kept. His fingers twitch on the sheets. He keeps on thinking about going to the bathroom as soon as possible to escape from the situation because he feels trapped.

He already has accepted his fate that this weekend will just push him to sink further into the hell hole of liking Minhyun without him getting away from the man’s friendzone. He’s been in this gray area before but he hasn’t felt this much anxiety. This night has something he did not have during the years liking Minhyun: potential.

However, the situation is treacherous and this, this is his destiny.

Jaehwan takes a bath afterwards. Minhyun’s smell remains in the bathroom and Jaehwan’s brain stops working. The water on the tub was too hot but he likes it that way. He hasn’t done this for a long while and he hopes this could calm himself down so he could better handle this situation.

It’s just one night anyway.

The bath seems to clear his mind so he’s assessing if he really likes the man outside. He traces a few moments they had together and it’s becoming more apparent that the feelings for Minhyun were just a one-way street. Putting his feelings aside made it possible for him to move forward before, he could do it now too! But it doesn’t mean that the feelings would be gone anytime soon.

It’s like sweeping everything under a rug—the feelings become invisible, somehow, but he can’t really deny that they aren’t there anymore.

Minhyun is holding Jaehwan’s guitar when he comes out of the bathroom. He’s already dried his hair and dressed up. Jaehwan didn’t want to make things more awkward by showing Minhyun his own lack of abs.

“You didn’t tell me you could play, hyung.” Jaehwan’s voice is lower than usual. Minhyun was in the voice program in their university and he didn’t really see him touch a guitar, not even when they were at his house. He even asked someone to play for him in camp.

Minhyun giggles to himself. “I learned after college and I’m not really good at it. It was kind of weird not to play anything especially in our faculty.”

Jaehwan’s eyes widen in interest. “Would you like me to teach you?” He offers.

“Really?” Minhyun smiles weakly. “Sure. But maybe not now.”

Jaehwan heart swells at the thought of seeing more of Minhyun in the future. This hopeful-boy attitude really suits him, especially since hoping is all he could do about his situation.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of the weekend?” Jaehwan asks. Minhyun’s sparkling eyes met his. His questions sounded as if they went there together and Minhyun’s presence wasn’t surprising at all to the songwriter.

Minhyun hums before answering that his plan only included finishing the book he was reading that afternoon. “How about you?”

“Apart from songwriting, nothing.” Jaehwan tries to reach for the radio beside the bed, configuring if it will turn on and it did. Decade-old ballads are playing but the signal is too weak so he turns it off. “Want to do something?” He sits on the other side of the bed.

“Like what? A game?” Interest could be heard from the change in Minhyun’s tone.

“Yeah, sure. We could do Never Have I Ever or 20 questions since spin the bottle might be a little boring for us two,” Jaehwan says as he takes the guitar away from Minhyun and he starts to pluck the strings of the instrument.

“Ten questions each?” Minhyun confirms.

“Yeah, and it’s a pact that everything will be kept within these four walls.” Jaehwan smiles; his confidence is finally finding its way out. “And no judgement!” He adds.

Minhyun leans back on the bed’s header before agreeing. They did a quick rock-paper-scissors game to find out who goes first. Minhyun wins, so he gets to pick if he wants to go first or second. He picks second.

“This is so hard without the alcohol. I should’ve thought about this before offering the game,” Jaehwan chuckles.

Both men share a laugh before Jaehwan relaxes and leans on the bed’s headboard as well. “Uhh, first place you went to when you learned how to drive,” he asks, voice careful as if he was just warming up. He’s still plucking the strings to the tune of Lost Stars.

Minhyun thinks about it, fingers playing on the hem of the comforter. “I think I drove to the grocery because I wanted ice cream to celebrate having my license.”

Imagining young Minhyun excited about getting ice cream because he passed the driving exam is a bad idea. Jaehwan feels an odd tug of strings in his chest, and he throws out a laugh that seemed too forced, and yet still unable to hide his uneven breaths. He starts to ask Minhyun what flavor he bought, but he is quick to retract it when he realized that it could’ve been regarded as his second question.

“Okay, my turn.” Minhyun lets out a sigh he must’ve been holding since he heard Jaehwan’s laughter. A man could dream. “If you’re not a songwriter,” Minhyun starts, “what would you be now?”

“Oh, that’s easy. I’ve always wanted to be a professional football player for South Korea.” Jaehwan looks so proud and bitter all at the same time. There’s a pang of longing that he feels, something familiar. He still plays for fun now but he knows he could have pursued the sport and still be successful.

He was waiting for a follow-up question, maybe a why, but all he hears is silence and it is surprisingly comforting.

“You still play, right?” Minhyun asks as he glances at him, observing if he should stay on the topic or move on already.

Jaehwan’s eyes look young again, and he almost feels as if the life in his veins have been renewed by that very question. “Yes, I do. You can watch again if you want.” The courage Jaehwan summoned for him to offer this almost vanishes. He says again because he’s seen Minhyun with their friends watch a few of his games, but they almost always leave immediately after the game finishes.

Minhyun blushes and Jaehwan feels a little successful. “I’d love to. I have too much time, remember?” Minhyun looks at him with so much affection Jaehwan almost feels as if it’s real.

Jaehwan asks this time. “Name a movie you’ve watched more than once.” He already has an answer if ever the question would be directed back at him. He whispers in his mind: Shrek. He’s loved the movie ever since he first watched it. It’s just so funny to him that there is a talking donkey, a sassy one at that.

On the other hand, Minhyun seems to be recalling every movie he’s seen. His hand travels to his chin, unconsciously touching his lip in the middle of thinking. Jaehwan averts his focus somewhere else.

“I think it’s Shrek,” Minhyun finally answers.

The coincidence didn’t bother Jaehwan, though it makes him snort. His answer settles on him like a wish granted without him praying, and really, it was all too funny. A tiny bit of coincidence and his heart grows bigger. “It had a different type of princess and it’s the best type,” Minhyun continues as if he was trying to defend his choice. He laughs a little. “Oh, and the donkey.”

The taller man moves a little on the bed, crossing his legs, making him look more comfortable in his position. He looks around the bedroom as if doing so would give him the next question he could ask Jaehwan. “Oh, here’s one,” Minhyun asks after a while. “Are you a dog person or a cat person?”

Jaehwan stands to put the guitar back on its case. He sits at the foot of the bed when he gets back, leaning his right arm on the sheets, resting his head on his shoulder. His cheeks are squished in this angle, but he doesn’t move. “I don’t really have a preference,” he starts. “Daniel, one of the artists I write for, has four cats and he’s always offered their house in Busan whenever we get to come as a group during promotions. Another artist I write for, Sungwoon, often drags me to dog cafes when he has downtime in Seoul.” Memories of both artists convincing him that the pet they hold is superior over the other enter his mind. Those dorks.

When he focuses his attention on Minhyun, the man is smiling. “I’ve actually thought of you as a dog person,” he says. “The one who likes small breeds like Pekingese or a Pomeranian. But then, you took a 5-hour nap so maybe you’re a cat-person after all?” a playful tone could be heard from Minhyun. He’s definitely enjoying teasing Jaehwan.

“In my defense,” Jaehwan mumbles, “I didn’t have my phone with me so I wasn’t able to set an alarm.”

Minhyun looks pointedly to his left where an analog clock was sitting quietly. Jaehwan lets out a slightly nervous laugh. “I guess I don’t have an excuse,” he says with a slight pout before breaking into more melodic laughter, and Minhyun joins him after a beat. The sound makes him feel warm, and he thinks this cabin has never quite felt like home until now.

Jaehwan glances at his bag as he recovers from his laughter when he thought of the next question for Minhyun. “Where was your first solo travel?” He asks. Jaehwan doesn’t know if Minhyun even travels for leisure. And no, the wanderer in him swears he’s not preparing his mental notepad to scribble Minhyun’s answer.

“Hmm, the first one that I was really alone was in Japan,” Minhyun answers after a while.

“I wanted to know if studying the language could be used practically. Thankfully, it did.”

Jaehwan’s jaw drops at the revelation. He wanted to tease him but all he could muster was “Arigato gozaimasu gyoza!”

Minhyun throws his head back to laugh. His mind is suddenly blank, unable to think of any Japanese phrases to respond to Jaehwan, but when finally says something, he says it with a fond smile. “あなたが本当に大好きです。”

“What did you say?” Jaehwan eyes him, head tilted a little to the right, pouting. He has the feeling it’s something he wasn’t supposed to hear but fate does a little more than bring them together on one snowy night. He may not understand what he heard but he sure felt it something close to a confession. He may be delusional, really but he likes to believe, anyway.

“I said I like gyoza very much,” Minhyun clarifies, trying to hide his laughter while Jaehwan doesn’t even bother hide his disappointment.

“But I didn’t hear gyoza?” Jaehwan pouts some more, the faintest of hope he has swirls down the drain. He knows this was dangerous territory, hoping; it always is, and heartbreak is his most likely ending.

The tug-of-war his heart is playing is making him unintentionally exhausted.

Minhyun almost bursts into laughter, shyness reaching his eyes. “Uh, they call it differently in Japan.”

“Okay.” Jaehwan’s eyes narrow, suspecting him of lying. He betrays himself, yet again, with thoughts of the chances of being together—that he would finally feel relief that something he has waited for so long would finally happen, that despite the long, arduous journey, he had reached what he has been wishing for.

But he pulls himself from the fantasy in hesitation. The start of every relationship would be good, would feel good, but everything that starts would eventually end, and it would be too much to bear, too much to feel. As much as he isn’t ready for something to bloom between them, he isn’t (and will never be) ready for when everything falls apart, knowing what he long sought to build could crumble oh so easily in front of their eyes, with not even one hand to hold or shoulder to cry on because he’s better at bottling everything up than let loose. Nobody knows about his feelings and he would very much like it to maintain it that way. He’s always been like this when it comes to feelings; one foot past the door, one foot out.

First loves are difficult.

Jaehwan likes to think he understands his feelings, but there is also something terrifying about understanding. A part of it is because he doesn’t know what Minhyun is thinking, feeling. A part of it is because of the possibility—however distant—that what Jaehwan couldn’t say could be what the other couldn’t say too.

The promise of staying civil guides him back to the game they’re in.

“Next question.” Minhyun chooses to divert the topic. “Hmmm. Least favorite part of the body?”

Jaehwan looks at him and his hand flies straight to his forehead. “My forehead. It’s the reason why I don’t push my hair up a lot.” He pauses, undecided whether he should tell Minhyun more. “I just feel so exposed.”

“Understandable.” Minhyun touches his forehead too as if to check if it’s still there, if he’d feel ‘exposed’ just like what Jaehwan said.

The younger man’s eyes widen. “Are you saying my forehead is too wide?”

“No, no! Not at all.” Minhyun hides his face behind his hands and Jaehwan notices a difference in his smile. He’s happy they’re past the awkwardness.

Jaehwan speaks to rescue both of them. “Okay, my turn. Habit! What’s your weirdest habit?” He scratches his head, hoping his attempt of looking for reasons to like Minhyun less wasn’t too obvious.

Minhyun faces down for three seconds before answering, his hair bounces slightly. “I always trace my lips with the tip of my tongue.” Jaehwan could see that he is trying to do it to show him.

No. Jaehwan is supposed to like him less upon knowing this weird habit, but it’s doing the exact opposite. And it’s making him blush. Jaehwan’s attempt to love him less fails.

“Hyung,” he mumbles, “that’s only weird because it’s bordering on sensual and you do it most times!”

“Ya, don’t make me look like a pervert!” The tips of Minhyun’s ears turn pink.

“Aren’t you though?”

Minhyun shoves Jaehwan with a pillow and Jaehwan welcomes it while laughing loudly.

“Can we just get to the next question please?” Minhyun mutters. His hyung might really have been embarrassed when Jaehwan called him out. “What’s your proudest moment?”

Jaehwan stares at his guitar and smiles wistfully. “It’s every time my songs top the charts. It’s a different feeling every time, though.”

“Your songs are very good, Jaehwannie. That’s why a lot of people listen.” Minhyun allows a kind smile, assuring Jaehwan that he’s doing fine.

“Do you listen to them, hyung?” Jaehwan inches nearer the trap he set himself.

Minhyun’s smile widens. “I do. And it’s very heartfelt every time. It’s amazing how you can write in different styles to fit the different artists you write for.” Minhyun is leaning closer, making the commendation more sincere.

Jaehwan practically glows upon hearing the compliment. “Th-thanks, hyung.”

Jaehwan will never get used to receiving compliments—not from anyone, never from Minhyun. But knowing Minhyun regard his songs as heartfelt, it plucks something familiar in him—a place somewhere in his heart he only noticed existed when Minhyun graduated from university.

He almost spills that the first song he released with his agency is actually about him but he’s still holding on, believing he’s strong enough to get through this night without admitting anything that concerns his one-sided feelings. At least loudly.

They stare into each other’s eyes a little longer than usual and Jaehwan breaks the silence. “What is the best food you could cook?”

Minhyun chuckles at the question. He gathers his confidence and says “Instant Ramyun”.

Jaehwan tries to suppress his laughter but he explodes, nonetheless. “Thank god mom forced me to bring tons of side dishes.”

“What’s funny is that I actually brought some packs in case of emergency.” Minhyun deadpans. Both of them fall silent before giggling like teenagers. Minhyun throws the next question. “Okay, okay enough about me.” He pauses for a second. “First love?”

There was no hesitation in Jaehwan’s eyes when he said “music.” Minhyun only hums in agreement. Jaehwan’s smile explains it enough.

“‘Favorite color?” Jaehwan asks.

“Chestnut brown.”

The younger bites his lip before saying. “How oddly specific.”

“Well, it’s oddly beautiful.” Minhyun leans on the headboard again, satisfied with the fast exchange. He looks like he won a fight the other is not even aware they’re having.

“If you say it’s the color of someone’s eyes I’m totally going to puke.” Jaehwan throws a pillow at him to hide a split second of his sadness. Too much information never really him any good. This game is taking far too much of him, more than what he’s giving it.

“It is though,” Minhyun says, and Jaehwan hears his heart shatter.

At first, he thought the night would be a blessing in disguise; something he didn’t ask for but apparently, he needs. That this weekend and this unexpected visitor could help him in letting go of the past’s baggage to get his inspiration back.

Though he knows closure between him and his feelings is long overdue, and he hates himself for even believing in the slightest hope he thought ‘they’ have since this afternoon, it seems like his wound has torn itself open further. A day with the person he’s supposed to fall out of love from is making everything he’s kept feel fresh and painful all at the same time.

How many questions have been asked? This game should be over by now, shouldn’t it?

“Woh, such a romantic hyung,” Jaehwan manages to say. “Whose?”

Minhyun only smiles. “Not yet,” he says.

Before Jaehwan panics over the fact that Minhyun might know his feelings for him because of how careful he was talking about his supposed special someone, Minhyun asks. “How many bottles of alcohol is Jaehwannie’s limit?”

And just like that, Jaehwan’s feelings are dismissed. Jaehwan could probably use a bottle or two now. “Hyung, are you going to use that against me in the future?”

“Just answer the question, Jaehwannie,” Minhyun teases and somehow Jaehwan finds this annoying and not cute at all. Perhaps he’s still hurt about the previous question. Nevertheless, it was him who dug his own grave.

He pouts. “Or what, hyung? We didn’t even set a punishment or a prize. I don’t know how this is a game!” The game is not yet over but Jaehwan looks defeated.

“Are you really not going to answer?” Minhyun leans forward, ready to show his aegyo and plead to the younger.

Jaehwan whines on the pillow. His face is red and hair, a mess. He just had to let that out. “Four or five,” he finally answers.

“Woah, Jaehwannie is strong.” The songwriter couldn’t help but notice that Minhyun has been using his name a lot more as the night goes deeper.

The clock reads 22:32.

“Don’t tell that to me,” Jaehwan mumbles. “I know you’re not a lightweight either.”

Minhyun just laughs at him. Jaehwan asks the next question. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

“Hmmm, that’s hard. I’m generally a kind person you know,” Minhyun tries to joke, but doesn’t look Jaehwan in the eye when he answers. “Anyway, there’s this girl in my high school who confronted me in the middle of the cafeteria. Everyone stopped whatever it is that their doing and snapped their heads towards us. It was embarrassing at the most but I couldn’t forget how she looked when I told her I don’t have feelings for her. Her friends were there, holding pom poms. Literally cheering her on.”

“Minhyun hyung, that was so mean!” Jaehwan covers his mouth with both of his hands to hide the shock.

“Don’t judge me! I was caught off-guard okay,” Minhyun defends. “I didn’t mean to be rude.”

“You didn’t mean it but I’d bet 10,000 KRW that you didn’t attempt to clear things up or at least comfort her.”

“I—” Minhyun’s face is pale and the tip of his ears are so red.

“Oh hyung, you really didn’t!”

“I was young. I didn’t know what to do!”

Jaehwan sends a pillow in his direction but he missed. “That was so mean, mean hyung! Your name suits you, Mean-hyung!” Jaehwan’s laughter reaches his eyes, tears almost escaping from laughing too much.

Minhyun can’t escape. “I need something as ridiculous in exchange, Jaehwannie! So, tell me, what were you like when you were a child?”

“Sorry, no humiliating stories from my childhood,” Jaehwan smirks. “I was just a normal kid who ran around a lot. I guess that’s what got me to soccer.”

“How old were you when you started playing?”

“I started young but I joined the school soccer club a little late, actually,” Jaehwan shares. “I joined the team maybe by fifth grade? Since I was always with the music club.”

“Yeah, your first love is music.” Minhyun’s voice sounded bitter. “Look at where you are now.”

Jaehwan covers his nape with his palm to hide the embarrassment he’s feeling. “Minhyun-hyung’s craziest dream?” He asks after a while.

“Oh you’ll laugh at me,” Minhyun says in the hopes of earning pity from Jaehwan.

“Then what’s holding you back from saying it already?” Jaehwan sports a big smile on his face, ready to tease his hyung.

“I…” Minhyun sighs. “I once dreamt that I’m a vacuum cleaner.”

Jaehwan stares at him for a couple of seconds before he bursts into a laughing mess. He is rolling on the bed, scrambling on the thick blanket and covering his face with a pillow. Jaehwan was trying his best to speak but his laughs wouldn’t let him. “I will not ask further questions about the dream,” he manages after a while.

Minhyun slumps his face on the pillow in front of him, then sits up. “I’m starting to think that this game is against me.” He pouts. “Here’s a good one, a question you almost always hear in job interviews. Where do you see yourself five years from now?”

Jaehwan instantly sobers up at that. His laugh turns nervous. “Wow, that’s a question I’ve been wishing not to pop up. But uhh,” Jaehwan holds his cheeks with both of his hands, as if doing so would give him a reading of the future. “I guess I would also like to perform. Being a songwriter is great but in time, I would like my voice to be heard, too.”

Minhyun was looking at him intently and Jaehwan couldn’t tear his focus from him too. The room temperature feels suddenly chilly—or maybe it’s been like that but their warmth and proximity kept the cold at bay, and both of them are only noticing it now.

He sees Minhyun look at his eyes, then his lips. Then he moves so suddenly, throwing the blanket to Jaehwan so he could cover himself up and get warm. Jaehwan receives it quietly but climbs nearer to where Minhyun is sitting. He offers the other end of the blanket to Minhyun. The older takes it almost without looking away, questions could be seen in his eyes.

“What was your first impression of me?” Minhyun asks Jaehwan who is currently settling under the blanket beside him.

“Hmmm, you really showed your cool side that night in camp,” Jaehwan says while looking at the ceiling. “And then suddenly you became extra romantic because you sang that song. It’s like you knew how to get all the girls to scream for you.

“I don’t know if that’s really a compliment or you’re teasing me for looking like a fuck boy,” Minhyun mumbles.

Jaehwan giggles at Minhyun saying ‘fuck boy’.

Minhyun has his back on the headboard while Jaehwan is on his side, head resting on his palm while he looks up at the man beside him, a wide space separating them.

“Next question,” Minhyun says.

“Wait, how many questions have you asked?” Jaehwan asks, narrowing his eyes. “Are you keeping track?”

“This is my 9th question for you, Kim Jaehwan, so yes, I’m keeping track.”

Jaehwan now remembers how he hates Minhyun’s smug face. The last time he saw this was during Minhyun’s graduation. Jaehwan still hadn’t said his congratulations when Minhyun leans down to his level and teases ‘Aren’t you going to congratulate me?’

“Uhh, okay shoot,” Jaehwan says.

“Are you currently in love with someone?” Minhyun slides to lower himself. His gaze is making Jaehwan regret ever covering his whole body with the heavy comforter because it’s suddenly so warm.

“I don’t think I could answer that,” Jaehwan whispers.

Minhyun hums. “Is it the reason why you’re uninspired?”

“Is that your tenth question?”

“No,” Minhyun smiles.

“Then I wouldn’t answer.” Jaehwan inches away but Minhyun shifts closer.

“So, answer my ninth.”

Jaehwan waits for a couple of moments, before finally sighing. “I am.”

Minhyun pulls the blanket up, leaving Jaehwan to think that his answer made the other uncomfortable for some reason. If only he knows.

Jaehwan’s palms sweat, nervous of the gap between the two of them. He can’t gauge the atmosphere—he doesn’t know if what he said changes something in their little game, or if it actually contributes to the bigger one which, by the way, is either a complete guessing game or a one-way tug-of-war.

Jaehwan sits up, legs fighting for its way to get out of the sheets. “My turn.” He leans on the headboard too. “Who is Minhyun hyung’s first kiss?”

Minhyun snorts not because it’s funny, but because it’s an old joke life has been throwing at him in his 26 years of living. “I haven’t had mine yet.”

“Ya, hyung,” Jaehwan says in disbelief. “Not even a drunk one?”

“No. I’m too responsible,” Minhyun says with a light tone.

“The universe is just too hard on good-looking guys like us,” Jaehwan jokes.

Minhyun’s eyes widen at the subtle confession. “And here I was, thinking that you were the fuck boy between us.” He grins to annoy Jaehwan more.

“What do you think of me hyung? I haven’t even had my first kiss yet!” Jaehwan is holding a pillow, ready to smack Minhyun for whatever response he’ll throw him but Minhyun is silent.

Jaehwan notices that his eyes seem darker now, like a whole new galaxy is being kept in his eyes. The songwriter’s gaze travels lower, tracing his nose, stopping on his lips. It felt like an eternity passed by without them knowing.

The last time he’s felt something similar was from a long time ago, when he was still taking a degree in Music—major in music theory, minor in pining for his sunbaenim. The tension grows around them, eyes communicating years of unspoken feelings. In Jaehwan’s heart of hearts, he knows how he’ll finish his song, not because of feelings that have found themselves back in his chest, but because his muse has returned in his tall, fox-eyed, perfect glory. Everything else—the possible heartache, the uncertainty, the longing, all of it could go rest, because he’s taking the risk. If this is the only chance the universe will give him, he’ll take it.

And then Minhyun looked at Jaehwan like he was looking at him for the first time, and Jaehwan was taken to many years back when a tall sophomore locked gazes with him as he searched for his partner.

"You haven't had your first kiss yet..." Minhyun's says as if he can't absorb the fact. 

"I haven't." Jaehwan confirms. 

“Would you like me to change that?” Minhyun asks.

Jaehwan smiles. “Is that your final question?”

Minhyun only smiles back.

“Then yes.”

~

Extra

Minhyun takes his phone from the bedside table to text the topmost group chat in his Kakao Talk. The clock reads 07:49.

“Good morning. Jaehwan and I will be coming home together, no need to drive here, auntie! <3”

Jihoon is the quickest to respond. “Oh my god hyung, was operation MinHwan successful?”

Minhyun sends a picture of Jaehwan sleeping beside him, left cheek squished.

“Yes.”

**Author's Note:**

> JAEHWAN FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE RECORDER SO THE WHOLE CONVERSATION WAS RECORDED Ok
> 
> -
> 
> In my head, there is a Jaehwan who's totally scared of feelings to the point that he doesn't want to acknowledge it. In contrast, there is a Minhyun in my head who's really provocative in terms of actions and words, because he wanted to confirm Jaehwan's feelings first before he dives in completely. 
> 
> A lot of versions of Jaehwan wan and Minhyun are in my mind. I hope to write more AUs even if it's already 2019.
> 
> Please visit our site at whenduskarrives.site! There are fanarts, poems, and fics. 
> 
> I'm @charmandu27 in twt and curiouscat


End file.
